GROWTH Baseline

Heb 11 v 6 But without faith it is impossible to please him: for he that cometh to God must believe that he is, and that he is a rewarder of them that diligently seek him.




The purpose of this blog is simple...to come up higher now

Prerequisite: you are already honestly born again and speaking in tongues. If you are not baptised in the Holy Spirit you should be by the grace of God before this exercise runs out. Spend the time in tongues in the Word and worship one straight hour each instead. This can be broken into morning and night. Don't fall asleep. 

This OFFERING runs for one year. It is fasting and prayer for a year in the Word. 

Fast till 6pm or whatever is initially comfortable add an hour per week or per month. 

Pray in the Holy Spirit at least an hour on your knees or your most surrendering or humbling position. You can start at 15 minutes and add 5 minutes per week till you get to one hour. Maintain the hour at least a month, then increase depending upon your experience. 

There will be activities as has been done before, there will be leading of the HOLY SPIRIT as He chooses. If you choose to take it further, close out the year and restart to avoid overwhelming your self.

This blog like my relationship with Christ is personal
This blog like my salvation in Christ and His death on that cross is public
Please have an open mind that is sealed in Christ Jesus
Above all, the Holy Spirit is the final say on this offering.

It will be broken down into different areas and updated as Im led to update it

Direction for the week
Direction for the month
Direction for the quarter
Tips and Tricks
What to keep in mind
What to avoid
What can distract you

Please, It can be very discouraging to be at a peak and not know where to go from there. If you have done all to stand, stand. If you are standing and have nothing to do and cant wait, find another soul to talk to about Jesus...you will start to SEE more souls.

Look into the next month and see what is ahead. Look into preparation for the next quarter for what is ahead. 

Month of February 2/1/17

Win a soul this month. That's 30 days. 720 hours. 43200 minutes. Remember, the Holy Spirit will give you what to say. Jesus said so. He also said GO.

Watch out for the leading of the Spirit, He makes it easier. We will need specific encouragement through this process. Soul winning is one of them. There are few things that forces growth on you like soul winning. As you win souls, you are representing Jesus. He will make sure you are empowered for the work so that you don't embarass Him. When you win souls, you are "GOing" which was the command. When you win souls, you are giving what you learnt and know and Jesus will give unto you. When you win souls, you are practicing faith. He will tell you what to say in that very hour, you will learn more what it is to put yourself aside for the HOLY SPIRIT to work through your spirit

You are probably noticing that you are staying away from the busyness of the world. Pay attention to the things your spirit is avoiding or what causes flinching in your spirit. 

The stage is being set, please be determined to do good to people, for people. Bless them with substance, with time, with your words, with Jesus

No selfish prayer points

Start praying in this fashion. Don't spend too much time on one prayer point, instead meditate on it. Repeat it over and over. This is not necessarily a shouting prayer. It's an acknowledgement and a prayer. The purpose is for a higher level of communication style with God.

Lord please help my spirit to be sensitive to things regarding you...this is all for you, please...I need help

Build me for your glory

Use me, I'm available

Lead me and guide me for the sake of your name

Help me, I need you

Have your way

Your Spirit should have produced some extra prayer points by now. Let the Holy Spirit guide you

Get to mount Zion and stay there

You are probably experiencing some challenges, that's good. They are coming up so that you can grow in your faith, tread on them and defeat them in Jesus name. Hone in to the Spirit and check the speed of the turn around. They are real challenges, but they will harden you.

Are you finding that the busyness of life is eating into your prayer time, that you feel lazy to pray the entire time, even to worship or praise. It is well. Just keep going there. If you have gotten to that place where you have not knelt for prayer in a bit, pray more in the Spirit as you are doing things through the day. Speak English when necessary. E.g, praying while washing plates, reading the Bible or driving. That adds up. It can add up to 6 hours per day. That also keeps you focused, it is encouraging during fasting periods also. When combined with fasting, please pick up the Word and see revelation in Jesus name. 

This month, we will be praying on the go in addition to your escalated prayers on your knees, face, or on your feet by now if you have found that to be better. If you are praying on your feet, try to have your eyes closed most of the time for focus until it's easier for you to put on the garment of the type of prayer hat connects you. There are different types of prayer. This is not the cast and bind we are talking about, this is Jesus in the garden prayer, Paul on the street called straight prayer, hezekiah facing the wall prayer, maybe even Hannah and Eli prayer, Elijah with face on knees prayer. Direct contact with no time lapse prayer is what we are aiming for this February.

Remember to win a soul and stay encouraged. Keep sowing. You will know when to call on your seed. 

By now, you should have been given prayer points while praying in the Spirit. Please pray them quickly and continue praying in the Spirit. More prayer points will come up, just stay sensitive. You might be praying the prayer points and words come out of your mouth that you didn't expect(in english), keep going. It is situations that are close, it is just being handled ahead of time. 

This is a month for encouragement. It's been one month on your own, there are others like You in the vineyard. Paul spent his days encouraging the Christians are in between proclaiming the gospel. When he was imprisoned, the seed of encouragement harvested and he never lacked encouragers. Please encourage the brethren this month. Share testimonies, find someone going through a similar situation and encourage. 

The things you go through are to strengthen you, and for you to encourage others when they go through the same. 

Sow. Sow, sow. Harvest is coming, if you planted no seed...whose garden will you harvest from?

Sow thanksgiving, sow patience, sow kindness, sow appreciation, sow encouragement, goodness, time with God, praise, sow sow sow.

SAY TO THAT MOUNTAIN 3/1/2017

Test your faith a number of times in a quarter. It doesn't make sense to have the faith and not test it. You don't have to misuse it. If you are almost at a location and it's raining, do you want to be in the rain? Command the rain to stop or be lighter till you get in the building. Elijah, a man of like passions commanded the rain 3 years to cease.

Commanding the weather e.g rain..stop. Tornado don't go more than this street. Have no doubt. Command seriously (not by power or by might, no need to yell...it can hear your whisper...speak boldly) and leave it alone.
Check for performance, and how long it took. Continue this exercise, practice your faith.
When you do this often, headaches will be child's play.

FEBRUARY
**Commanding the atmosphere. Pulling the presence of God from within to without or provoking it to be heavy where you are. Understanding is needed here, so I hope we have been meditating on the word of God. Worshippers will have it easier here. Please worship and meditate on the words of your worship. While praying, meditate on the words of your prayer. Same while praising. No more reciting what you have heard others say. There is a reshaping going on that will personalize your worship, praise, prayer, meditation because of multiple personal experiences.

**Drawing from the spiritual to the physical. When you need something done, e.g results in your favor...(during intercession for others is most effective here) you can hone in to the spiritual realm and pull or command things to manifest here in the physical realm. This is not so easy as you have to be connected in the spirit. This year's offering of your fast, prayer, time and much more given up in these activities will help you to hone in spiritually.

Revelation 1:8 

"I am the Alpha and the Omega," says the Lord God, "who is and who was and who is to come, the Almighty." 
Have understanding of this Word. We will put this Word in action.

There is a concentration of the names of God here. A stressing of Him beginning everything and ending everything. A stressing of an enveloping in Him. That all this entirely consists in Him.

“I am the Alpha and the Omega [the Beginning and the End],” says the Lord God, “Who is [existing forever] and Who was [continually existing in the past] and Who is to come, the Almighty [the Omnipotent, the Ruler of all].”
REVELATION 1:8 AMP

Our God exists right now in the past, nothing is impossible. Are you running late to something important and time is against you. God is there in the past when you left late. He is there in the present when you are about to run late. He is there in the future when you arrive.....until his word came....psalm 105 vs 19

We are going to continually mediate on this Word and send it back to God for fulfillment this month and going forward. When you think it's too late, when time is against you...

Watch for fulfillment and speed of fulfillment. Expectancy raised to the power of ridiculous. Please, I have numerous personal experience in this area. God can do anything. What do you have to lose. When you believe God in an unbelievable way, He starts to show you just how unbelievable He can be, what unbelievable things He can do. Give unbelievable and unbelievable shall be given unto you. Don't forget to send unbelievable praise and thanks up. You can scream as praise, bless God.

March 1st
I hope we have been setting decrees higher than normal and watching highly expectantly for results

Remember 2/1/2017

Hebrews 11 vs 6

...to put your body under. You carnality does not like this.

...that the enemy is aware that you are doing this and will start to counter your measures.

...that most of this occurs naturally because put your self in the way of it. E.g when you give, it is given unto you. Please don't stress on the amount of information.  These are mostly done with the leading of the Holy Spirit. You will notice that you are doing most of it newly, along the way and you didn't know when you started. He is here to help, just remember to ask Him to help you in everything today every morning and to have His way

...to speak blessings, your words are carrying weight

...to look for the performance of your Word. ....until his word came. Psalms 105 vs 19

...this was not meant to be easy. But it will come up as a sweet smelling aroma unto God. 2 sam 22-24. Don't offer a cheap offering
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That you will be tested in stages and levels of toughness. Pass. Don't be looking for tests and produce stress for yourself. Maintain a readiness.

FEBRUARY 

To be jealous for your love for God, for your time for Him, for things that concern Him, for soul winning

Better is little with the fear of the Lord than great treasure and trouble therewith.
Proverbs 15:16 KJV
Learn and pray to be content.

A merry heart maketh a cheerful countenance: but by sorrow of the heart the spirit is broken.
Proverbs 15:13 KJV.

The Lord is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit.
Psalms 34:18 KJV

That you find yourself broken in spirit is not the end, encourage yourself, God is near. Salvation is near

To maintain a high expectation for the year. A strong knowing that God is a rewarder of them that diligently seek Him.

....win a soul, evangelize
Don't waste tears, take it to God, bring a prayer out of it while the issue is hot. Even a sigh up to heaven can change things

You will start to see in no specific order

 JANUARY

January Notes don't mean they should all happen in January. It's a way to bookmark. Mark on your own what you are seeing

Your self overcoming fears

The word of your mouth coming to pass speedily as you draw nearer.

Your self very awake and aware in the dream, your Spirit will always be awake.

Your self speaking in tongues in your dreams

Your self waking up already praying in the Spirit

Yourself receiving gifts of the Spirit or operating in different gifts

Your self being more precise and effective in your gifting

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People coming to you, those you know and those you don't. They are coming for the Word that is in your mouth. Please, you are a vessel now, this meeting is not for fleshy conversation. Some meetings will not last more than 10 seconds, they walk up, you have blurted the Word before you know you were speaking and they leave. Mostly without acknowledging you at all. It is well, God will thank you and encourage you. Some will be surprised. Please don't bask in the glory, give glory to Him who is using you and move on.
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A physical and spiritual reaction to ungodly things. Practice adjusting your facial expression.

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   FEBRUARY 

Your tongues will change, between 85- 100% before this year runs out depending on time on your face...what you do there (hone in). How much revelation you are getting from the word before you get on your face. 

If you have been praying in the Spirit even when you get up, walk around outside your closet, while driving... Tongues will be coming out of your mouth and you will find yourself praying before your flesh realizes your mouth is moving

You will start to develop an unshakable calmness about you

What happens when...

JANUARY

Months are for bookmarking

• I lean heavily on the Holy Spirit?

He is magnified in your life

• I ask the Holy Spirit everything or include Him? 

He starts to do things before you ask

• I respond quickly to His instructions?

He gives you more

• I read the Word?

You get revelation, revelation expands your mindset, your thinking changes. The word starts to knit together in your world, you start to see things according to the Word, not apart from it.

I don't obey or act as if I didn't hear?
You will probably get one more chance at obedience in that specific situation before it all literally and quickly blows up in your face. You will then have to really pray for mercy, forgiveness and correction of the situation which will be slower than the initial obedience that could have been carried out.

• I spend more time with God?

Your joy overflows

You live a life of pleasure. Spiritual pleasure is not physical pleasure

FEBRUARY 

I wake up at the same time every morning to be in His presence every day?

He will be waiting for you. It will be easier to ENTER His presence. See Testimony 1. He might wake you up if you innocently forget to wake up. He will wake you if you try to snooze your alarm. He will become your alarm... You just find that at 6am...your eyes just seem to rush open and all sleep has been wiped away from it...though you slept only two hours yesterday, you feel very strong and refreshed. Is 40 vs 31.

I find times in the day and night to spend with God?

He might start to do the same. Waking you up at odd hours to give you scriptures to read, to drop things in your spirit, to cause you to go into deep intercession for others, to baptize you if you aren't yet, to break yokes by the outpouring of the anointing, to cause a deep sleep where He shows you visions...

Month of January

This month in Growth we will be working on the following

Meditate on this enveloping...At that day ye shall know that I am in My Father, and ye in Me, and I in you...John 14 vs 20 

1. Praying at least 30 minutes straight in the Holy Spirit
2. Fasting at least till 3pm
3. Fasting with thanks (NO PRAYER POINTS)
4. Reading at least one chapter per day from the Holy Bible
5. Leaning on God
6. Leaning on Jesus
7. Desperately leaning on the Holy Spirit

Praying at least 30 minutes straight in the Holy Spirit

Pray an hour if you can, if not you can even start at 15 minutes and add 5 extra minutes per week. Pray in a kneeling position with head bowed. We are looking for the most humbling position. However, if you already know how to humble your spirit on the spot which will come with honing in in the aforementioned position, please humble your spirit. When you humble your faith spirit, your spirit bows and the presence of God comes down as your spirit bows. Think hour glass...as the sand goes down, air fills it up. That's the experience of humbling your spirit. We want to decrease while He increases so we can operate in His fullness.

Saturday and Sunday is mostly worship, so sing in the Spirit. If you haven't before, ask Him to help you, have a tambourine, dance before God. 

Fasting at least till 3pm

There is nothing as beautiful as a good fast. Your flesh and spirit are in enmity. They are not friends, when you subdue your flesh, it is a fast that is soaked in the Word that keeps your body under, Why? 
The flesh is weaker, your spirit is stronger and feeding. Feeding on the Word, on prayer, on presence, on anointing, on the activities through this time. The only thing developing intentionally is your spirit. Please, when you finally eat, eat a well balanced diet. No need to eat too much or to eat 5 minutes before the fast begins, it will just make you more hungry through the day. That's up to you though, experience is the best teacher. your experience or someone else's.

Fasting magnifies everything spiritual. It magnifies the Word, your spirit, the SPIRIT, God, Jesus, worship, Prayer, your voice in the realms, the anointing on you, your sensitivity. It is one of the best ways to put your body under. Its harder for your flesh to act out when you are fasting.

Saturday and Sunday fasting is till noon, unless you are joined in another fast. 

Fasting with thanks (NO CARNAL or SELF SERVING PRAYER POINTS)

Practice Thanksgiving. When you are done fasting, Thank God for everything that has happened today and ask mercy, not as a prayer point. e.g
Thank You Lord for the fast, Thanks for the strength, have mercy on me Lord God. 
Thanks for clearing up traffic for me when I asked and within seconds too, please have mercy on me. 
Sorry I didn't obey when you wanted me to sit with that brother and talk about you, have mercy.

Give account of the day

If you have joined others in fasting, please pray also with them the prayers that should be prayed... It is well. 

Reading at least one chapter per day from the Holy Bible

If you have none, pull the meditation for the month and read the whole chapter for more understanding. 

The word of God is the key, it is the catalyst. Spend time in the Word.  You can have your bible under you and it is possible to read as you pray in the Spirit. You can then separated the time in a week or a month where you read the Word and then pray. The Word of God is the charger, praying in the Spirit wakes up your spirit to understanding and unusual revelation. 

Please no rushing through the Word of God.

Leaning on God John 14

 Jesus saith unto him, I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me.

7 If ye had known me, ye should have known my Father also: and from henceforth ye know him, and have seen him.

8 Philip saith unto him, Lord, show us the Father, and it sufficeth us.

9 Jesus saith unto him, Have I been so long time with you, and yet hast thou not known me, Philip? he that hath seen me hath seen the Father; and how sayest thou then, Show us the Father?

Leaning on Jesus. Meditation

 11 Believe me that I am in the Father, and the Father in me: or else believe me for the very works' sake

Let not your heart be troubled: ye believe in God, believe also in me. John 14 vs 1

 Jesus saith unto him, I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me. John 14 vs 6

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11 Believe me that I am in the Father, and the Father in me: or else believe me for the very works' sake.

Meditate on John 14 vs 12-15

The focus is this, we need a higher belief in Jesus so that we can do greater works. The disciples believed so much that they died for it, that's not too common anymore. 

When we have understanding of this and belief, we can ask ANYTHING in His name and have a great expectation for it's accomplishment. We can lay a burden at His feet and move on, not wondering if He will do it or not. This glorifies God in Jesus. We will need to mention that in prayer with this understanding initially, so that heaven understands where we are coming from.

Desperately leaning on the Holy Spirit

The Holy Spirit came to help us. He will lead us in all truth, He is the Spirit of truth. Who is the truth..Jesus. He comes to bear witness to the truth...Jesus. Lets stop there and gain understanding of this

John 16 vs 7 Nevertheless I tell you the truth; It is expedient for you that I go away: for if I go not away, the Comforter will not come unto you; but if I depart, I will send him unto you.

13 Howbeit when he, the Spirit of truth, is come, he will guide you into all truth: for he shall not speak of himself; but whatsoever he shall hear, that shall he speak: and he will shew you things to come.

14 He shall glorify me: for he shall receive of mine, and shall shew it unto you.

15 All things that the Father hath are mine: therefore said I, that he shall take of mine, and shall shew it unto you.

DIRECTION FOR THE QUARTER

THIS QUARTER, WE WILL BE FOCUSING ON THE FOLLOWING

1. Quality over quantity
2. Praying at least 1 hour straight in the Holy Spirit
3. Fasting at least till 3pm
4. Fasting with thanks (NO PRAYER POINTS)
5. Reading at least three chapters per day from the Holy Bible, reading for understanding
6. Leaning on God
7. Leaning on Jesus
8. Desperately leaning on the Holy Spirit with proof that He knows and is responding
9. Having understanding of the benefits of what we are doing
10. Win a soul

1. Ridiculous faith
2. Humility

Practice

BE ENCOURAGED

Stop talking to God like He is a customer service representative or ATM. Have a healthy FEAR of Him. He can get strict.

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Please don't talk to Him like He is on the phone. He is very close.
Talk to Him like the one you love the most, put sweet words in there
Talk to Him like He is in the room. Matt 6 vs 6.
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Have a mindset that everything you own plus you belongs to God and He can ask you to give it away, because He will ask you to release things. He will start with that precious thing that makes you happy that is not Jesus. So please help yourself and adjust your mindset to love God most.
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Practice speaking good things, decrees, weapons, counter attacks into the atmosphere. Please watch for the speed of the performance. We are looking for a faster performance. As it gets faster, you need to watch your self more than ever. Put your body under more. You are at a fragile test stage. Pass.
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Keep your Word
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Asking God to show you His names. E.g pass all your goodness before me, proclaim Your names in my life.

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Don't tell lies
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Give, it's a principle. Scatter seed intentionally and name them, don't attach anything to them unless you have to. Name them a singular name. E.g  for the love of my Lord, keep it close, my treasure is with you, Keep it in mind, work, speaking greatness, speaking good
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Please please please, watch what you say amen to because heaven is listening. If the prayer point is " heaven speak concerning Me"...Please complete it to heaven speak good concerning me

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Know your encouragers, encourage them too. Buy a gift, even better to speak into their lives because it will come to pass.

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Learn to intercede.Give intercession and it shall be given unto you. Please have understanding of this principle.

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Keep a journal, notebook for this year....you will want to remember a lot...
If you mess up, how you were able to stand again
If you derailed, how you found the road
By you, I mean how the Holy Spirit helped you.

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Practice including the Holy Spirit in everything. We are looking for a heavy concentration of His presence and all that comes with it. Heaven helps those who help themselves is not in the bible. Please lean not unto your own understanding. Lean heavily on God.

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Commanding the weather e.g rain..stop. See...Say to that mountain

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Commanding the atmosphere. See..Say to that mountain

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Drawing from the spiritual to the physical

FEBRUARY

Practice ridiculous faith

Jesus will be given a portion with the great, He will divide the spoils with the strong

The kingdom of God suffereth violence, only the violent will take it by force

So I set my face like flint, I shall not be moved

Say to this mountain

Everything, exceedingly abundantly above imagination is possible

Expand your faith by fire and by force, the word is tried and tested, it is true, trust it, trust God, trust the works

Let God know we are in a phase of building and practicing most holy Jude 20 faith.

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The MO from this month till after this year runs out is this...in everything, include God and ask help.

Heaven helps those who help themselves is not in the bible. However, we can do all things through Christ that strengthens us. We want a constant visible encouragement to help pull us through. We are not looking to practice watching a plant without blinking hoping it will grow. We are looking to practice laying burdens at His feet and leaving it there. 

Examples, 

You are looking for what to wear, ask the Spirit of God ... Please help me o, I need what to wear...move on knowing that He will respond. Remember when He responds to say thank you and be excited in your spirit

You are looking for your keys, ask the Spirit of God...lord, please have mercy, I need my keys and you see everything, you know where they are. Lord, please where are my keys. This is where you hone in to listen or be sensitive, if you don't get a knowing immediately, start to thank Him because He will help you find your keys

Learn to thank Him immediately after a prayer that is in His will because He will do it.

If there is a time constraint, e.g seconds before you get a traffic ticket. Leave everything in this world, hone into the Spirit and ask mercy. That offering, seed that you have left unnamed, start calling the names to the attention of God and asking mercy, .....please Lord remember and help me. Under your breath, pray. Don't worry about what is going on around you. Remember that God actively is the Master of last minute salvation in every situation. Even when it looks like there is no hope, don't cease to believe a He will do it, focus on Him, not the situation. 

When He does it, please thank Him also and testify of His goodness. Exalt Him and encourage someone else. 

Practice asking for more wisdom, it is indeed the principal thing. It makes things easier. God will also release it if we ask as His children. If you lack it, ask...the word says. I lack Fullness of it, so I ask a lot also. 

Fill your head with the Word, read it, think about it, meditate on it, speak it, receive it, pray it, listen to it (audio CD etc) let it enter you. It is one of the fastest catalyst to change. It will charge you for the next phase and get you used to being in a ready state for use (sensitivity).

Help 2/18/17

Tips and Tricks

Are you finding that the anointing and empowerment, the presence....is wearing out fast ...

Break Down the Word in your closet.
Find who looks for you first thing outside, in the house, at work.
Are they chatting away, bringing you gossip, evil news, causing you to panic or shake away your reward.
Mark them, know them and add them to your closet prayers. In the meantime set your face like flint. With a joyful smile. Don't be shaken. You shall not be moved
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Are you finding that everyone is offering you food. Everyone has become a chef and the aroma goes right into your nostrils and makes your stomach sing. Thank Goodness, you are doing something right.
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Are you about to faint because of hunger, it will soon pass. Take the communion with understanding, it will either feed you spiritually or worsen your hunger. Either way, it is well...you will Learn for next time.

It is weird when I ask the Holy Spirit for help all the time.
That is why He was sent. John 14 vs 16. Gods wisdom is wise enough to trust. So let's let Him help us walk in purpose.

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I'm feeling lazy and can't focus no matter what I do?
Garments, put them on. The garment of prayer, praise, call down a garment of fire, believing that God will do it.
Pray almost under your breath in The Spirit and read the bible the whole time. Just don't leave your closet. When you get revelation, take a second to repeat that word over and over, eyes closed helps. If anointing is coming down with the meditation, take as long as it takes in the meditation before moving on. If there is revelation to be written down, you should have a note pad by you...write it down.

If you find yourself distracted, unable to stay awake, unable to focus....read the Word and pray in tongues at the same time. Your mind and praying in tongues don't operate on the same level...one is not fruitful at the same time with the other, you will still be able to think and you don't understand the tongues at this level anyway, so pray. The word will fuel you. 

FEBRUARY 

I left my prayer closet before the time or had to rush out because I woke up late. 

Ask mercy. Come boldly and humbly, ask mercy and literally explain why, be honest. Obtain mercy, move on, do better next time. The kingdom of God is not a kingdom of wallowing in guilt. Granted there are some major mess ups, you can spend time humbling yourself before God and wait for His presence to confirm mercy. Go do something that will make Him smile. Do better generally, be careful to stand while moving on. 
Remember that God is close to the broken in spirit.

Why is everything so busy. Busy is good and it's dangerous. Busy helps you lose sight and it focuses you, it helps you get things done. Learn to step back and away from the busy around you. Stop, stand still and focus on God. Don't let your mind get busy either, the medicine for that is the Word. It's your only chance at living, don't let life run you off course. Learn to stop, take stock, RECHARGE, move. 

I don't feel like eating most days after a fast. 

Good, please try to eat a balanced diet because you are jumping back into the fast, unless your Spirit gives you a go ahead. 

2/18/17

I've gotten so busy that I forgot why I'm doing what I'm doing

Stop, stop everything and apologize to God, ask for help. Pray in the Spirit in soberness of mind. Realign yourself